The Man In the Iron Mask Sans Accents!
by Ambiguous Umbra
Summary: Annually, a friend and I watch the 1998 version of this movie and pick apart its bizarre storyline and the terrible acting. I felt it might be fun to share some of our past comments with you in the form of an adapted screenplay. Enjoy.
1. Part I

Disclaimer: The original story The Man in the Iron Mask and the Viscomte de Bragelonne is copyrighted to Alexandre Dumas. The 1998 film version is copyrighted to United Artists and the screenplay copyrighted to Randall Wallace. All original comments are the work of writer Ambiguous_Umbra with the assistance of JM. Additional comments are copyrighted to _300_ screenplay writers Zach Snyder, Kurt Johnstad, Michael Gordon, Lynn Varley, and of course, Frank Miller. Other comments are copyrighted to _House M.D. _creator David Shore and The Outsiders author Susan Eloise Hinton.

Note: The comments eluded to above are referenced in this part of the story only. I'll include more disclaimers for the other two parts of the story. ((Hey, the legal stuff is important.))

* * *

FEATURE PRESENTATION!!!

_A dark creepy dungeon in France_

Aramis: (monologuing in his rich plumy voice) Prisoner 2,696,784,930,002. The DiCaprio in the Iron Mask….

Cut to…

* * *

_Parisian City Streets_

D'Artangnan: -gallops about on his horse-

Cityfolk: -fighting with one another in the alley and making all sorts of ruckus-

D'Artangnan: -decides to ride through them in order to stop them- Kowabunga!

Cityfolk: -start chucking food at him. As soon as he's gone, they start fighting with each other again.-

D'Artangnan: Crap.

* * *

_Aramis' Crib_

Porthos: Jerem- I mean, Aramis, stop contemplating your role as a priest and hang out with these hookers and I!

Aramis: (shakes his head) Every bloody time…

Hookers: -swaying about and laughing in order to show off their cleavage-

Porthos: Flee ladies!

Hookers: -flee-

Porthos: Don't you realize that there are better things to do besides pray for your immortal soul? That stuff can wait! Sex is important now!

Aramis: Did any one ever tell you your nose looks like a butt?

Porthos: -farts to illustrate his point-

A fight ensues.

D'Artangan: They're at it again. Ever since they got fired…

Aramis and Porthos: Hey! It's the kid!

D'Artangan: Too bad I can't stay. His royal bratness needs to have words with you, Jerem-, I mean, Aramis.

* * *

_Athos's Digs_

Athos: -wearing a hideous wig- Relax, dear. After all, these things come naturally.

Raoul: -using his perpetual John Malkovichian acting skills- I'm thinking of asking her after the coquilles and before the froe gras.

Athos: Here have a shiny ring.

Raoul: Sweet.

* * *

_The King's Palace_

Random dude: -muttering random stuff about war maneuvers-

Louis: Don't I look stunning?

Dr. House: This wig makes me look like a pansy.

Louis: I need the yellow sash to match my silky blond locks.

Dr. House: By the way, there's some hobos and miscreants demonstrating outside of your palace.

Louis: Good, good. Give em' that lard that's sitting at the docks. That'll make em' shut up.

Aramis: My cross is crooked.

Louis: It's Jerem- Aramis. I need you to find that paparazzi who took my photo when I was in the bath. He's been distributing the photos to these people called the Jesuits.

Aramis: Maybe you should talk to him yourself? After all, I'm sure, for a price, he'd make those pictures disappear and donate that money to the people who need it. -looks about suspiciously-

Louis: No. He thinks I'm somebody named Leo DiCaprio. It's not going to stop until he's dead.

Aramis: Okie dokie. Btw, what happened to your accent?

Louis: -ignores-

Cut to…

* * *

_Outside King's Palace_

Christine: That woman's gown is nicer than mine. After all, I'm just a poor seamstress who can somehow still afford to wear elegant and refined clothing even though her family is slowly dying.

Raoul: -perks a brow- Yeah. I think her gown is nice too.

Louis: -watching them creepily- Mmm… chicka chicka

Random advisor: Yeah, Raoul's hot.

_Cue the pompous and completely unnecessary scene where Louis walks down the steps and stares creepily at Christine and other women with large cleavage._

D'Artangan: Your bratness, I thought you should know that--

Louis: -surrounded by air headed women- Can't be bothered now.

D'Artangan: Fine, I'll go over and bother Raoul, even though I think your life might be in danger. He looks like he's not busy.

Raoul: -practically on one knee- Christine, will you…

D'Artagnan: Hey! What's up!?

Raoul: Frig.

Louis: It's time for my favorite part of the party! To watch all of you morons chase this swine across the grounds, in an attempt to catch this ball of Cubic Zirconium. Readysetgo!

Raoul: Ha, a way to avoid proposing! -flees to capture the pig-

Christine: I guess I'll wander aimlessly in this direction. -fountain blocks her way- Oh! Maybe in the other direction.

Louis: -standing not two feet away, turning on the fountains-

Christine: -completely ignoring his existence- I'll go this way.

Louis: Yeeeeesssss…

-Meanwhile everyone is tripping over each other trying to capture this pig that somehow has enough agility to outrun every person there-

Christine: Hmm… a place I'm obviously not supposed to be.

Louis: Hey, baby.

Christine: Ugh, who are you?

D'Artagnan: -hides behind another fountain- Great! The king is turning into Matthew McConaughey.

Louis: Don't fight it, baby. -leans in for a kiss-

Random waiter: -comes running around the corner with a knife- For Leo!

D'Artagnan: -flings sword-

Sword: -completely ignoring the laws of gravity and physics, slices through water and hits random waiter in the chest-

Random waiter: -drops-

Louis: Holy crap!

-Raoul and Pony Boy show up in just the knick of time- ((Pony Boy was a character apparently named Lieutenant Andre. However, his name was never given in the film and we dubbed him this as a tribute to The Outsiders))

Raoul: -grabs Christine- Flee!

Random waiter: Free Leo DiCaprio!

Louis: -stabs waiter a second time even though he was already dying- Look what you did to my hair!

D'Artagnan: Fine! Don't say 'thank you' or anything…

Louis: Get me someone important!

* * *

_In D'Artagnan's Office_

Queen: -walks in, showing off her long neck- Thanks for saving _our_ son, I mean, _my _son.

D'Artagnan: Anything for the prima ballerina.

Pony Boy: -looking concerned- Athos's kid just dropped out of the Musketeers.

D'Artagnan: Did anyone ever tell you that your head is eggplant shaped?

* * *

_Athos's Digs Again_

-there is a strangely androgynous person playing the violin at the window with his back to the door-

D'Artangan: It must be Athos's maid…

-dude turns around- Athos: Oh, D'Artangan!

D'Artangan: Eeeee…

Athos: It's been so long. I'll put on the kettle.

D'Artangan: What happened to your accent?

Athos: -ignores- I've saved this bottle of wine for you. A 1522 Pinot Noir. It's to die for.

D'Artagnan: Whatever. Listen…

Athos: -starts talking about the past, blah, blah, something about grown men in uniforms-

D'Artagnan: Hey, um, listen…

Athos: My son is all grown up and is about to propose to his gf. Things couldn't get any better.

Raoul: -enters looking completely wasted- hiccup

Athos: Sweety, what's wrong?

Raoul: -looks at D'Artagnan uneasily- I've got to go back to the war. The king wants my chick.

D'Artagnan: He's been relying a little too much on Mr. Palm and his five fingers.

Athos: -over enunciating all of his words- You tell that little prick he'd better get a handle on his middle leg or I'm going to do it for him.

D'Artagnan: Umm…

* * *

_Back at the Gates of the Palace_

Pony Boy: -running about frantically, shouting orders- Captain, the entire city of Paris is coming to attack!

D'Artagnan: Great. It's one thing after another…

-a swarm of people come out of nowhere and begin attacking a couple of Musketeers who can't defend themselves worth crap-

D'Artagnan: Don't shoot 'em. Let me try talking to them.

-talking fails-

Random Townsperson: -chucks some unidentifiable red fruit-

D'Artagnan's sword: -once again ignores the laws of gravity and is able to slice one fruit and stab the other within seconds-

Townspeople: Oooh, awww…

D'Artagnan: Tastes like shit. I'll speak to his bratness personally. My words are as good as gold.

Townspeople: -leave- So much for a riot. Guess we'll try tomorrow.

* * *

_King's Super Secret Lounge_

-Louis and random chick having sex.-

Louis: Well, that's enough for the family jewels. I'm going to go make a sandwich. -walks down to his bedroom-

D'Artagnan: -comes out of a wall-

Louis: AHHHH!!!

D'Artagnan: Get over it. Listen, Paris just attacked your front door. Thankfully, they were only armed with rotted food, which they said you gave to them, btw.

Louis: Hmm… that was House's idea…

D'Artagnan: Also, there's this Sheila who you've had your eye on. I'm suggesting you back off. She could turn out to be a gold digger or something much worse.

Louis: Well, unless she's going to turn into Medusa, you'll have to do better than that.

D'Artagnan: Crap.

* * *

_Out in the hall_

Dr. House: It's not lupus.

Louis: -opens door and rips badge off of House- Execute him!

Dr. House: Bite me, Cuddy.

* * *

_At the Frontline of the war_

Raoul: Send this note to the palace. I'm sure with how slow the mail is these days, it will take several weeks to get there.

-canon's fire randomly in the background, not hitting anything-

Raoul: -stands and runs up the hill- Tonight we dine in Hell!!!

Rest of men: Okay, sure. -run up the hill-

Canon: Boom!

Raoul: -dies-

* * *

_Christine's House_

Christine's mom: -hacking in the background-

Christine: Get your own water! I've got to finish this stitch!

-letter slides under the door-

Christine: -gets it, opens it, and wails-

* * *

_Athos's Digs_

Athos: -answers the door at midnight- There can't possibly be anything wrong. -opens letter and wails, then knocks over a candle which could have lit the entire house on fire.-

The next day…

Athos: -grabs his sword- Time to execute the middle leg.

* * *

_Outside the palace_

-random guys on horseback cross the screen for no reason-

Pony Boy: Express mail is here.

D'Artagnan: -scans list- Ohhh shit.

Umbra: A reminder for you all. This mail arrived in a matter of days…

Athos: -arrives on horseback and brandishes sword- I've come to do what I said I would do.

D'Artagnan: Please. There must be another way besides circumcision. After all, he's a guy…

Athos: -punches D'Artagnan and goes kung-fu on the other Musketeers, stabbing one in the heart and slashing a few of the other's throats-

D'Artagnan and Pony Boy: -tackle Athos to the ground-

Athos: -snarlclawgrowlwheeze-

D'Artagnan: Listen, Raoul recited a line from '300' which is a grave offense to the Dutch. Please don't do anything that would result in your own death.

Athos: -gets up and glares at D'Artagnan- "The battle is over when I say it is over."-retreats to his horse-

D'Artagnan: -rolls his eyes- Oh great. Another Leonidas wannabe.

* * *

_King's Dining Room_

Christine: -glances at the food- Eww… is this snail?

Louis: How do you like your new digs?

Christine: Well, I guess they're okay. But they could be better. But I didn't come here for that. Now that my bf is dead, I don't have anyway to take care of my family. I mean, multi-tasking is hard. I have to stitch _and _be a nurse maid. And now I have to do it alone…

Louis: -checking out her cleavage- I've hired a doctor so that you don't have to be responsible for anything anymore. So just sit here, relax, drink your wine and take in my beautiful façade.

Christine: Ummm… whatever. -gulps down her wine-

* * *

_In her suite…_

Louis: -locks door- I've fallen in love with your thick mannish eyebrows.

Christine: Not to ruin the moment or anything but my bf just died.

Louis: -thinking quickly- Love me as a man and not for my money.

Christine: Okay. -kissing commences-

* * *

Another section to come soon...


	2. Part II

Disclaimer: As before The Man in the Iron Mask and The Vicomte de Bragelonne are copyrighted to Alexandre Dumas. The original screenplay for _The Man in the Iron Mask_ (1998) is copyrighted to Randall Wallace. All original comments are copyrighted to Ambiguous_Umbra and JM. Additional comments are copyrighted to the following:

_House M.D._ creator David Shore

_Super Troopers_ screenwriters Jay Chandrasekhar, Kevin Heffernan, Steve Lemme, Paul Soter, and Eric Stolhanske

_300_ screenwriters Zach Snyder, Kurt Johnstad, Michael Gordon, Lynn Varley, and Frank Miller

Lyrics from "Mambo Italiano" written by Bob Merrill

_Revenge of the Pink Panther_ screenwriters Blake Edwards, Frank Waldman, Ron Clark

_Lake Placid_ screenwriter David E. Kelley

I think that's everyone...

* * *

Part Deux!!!

_Another creepy dark basement somewhere…_

Porthos: Where are we going? China?

Aramis: China may be our destination. But not this trip.

Porthos: Damn. I always wanted to see The Wall.

-both enter a tiny little room, previously lit with torches and surrounded by skeletons and dead cockroaches-

Porthos: AHHHH!!!

Aramis: -rolls eyes-

Athos: -enters from left side of the room- Hey there, boys!

D'Artagnan: -enters from right side of the room- Ugh, it stinks like sex in here.

Aramis: Sit down already.

-everyone sits-

Athos: -snarlspitfume-

D'Artagnan: I think Athos might have rabies…

Aramis: Shut up. Listen, Louis has ordered me to track down the paparazzi photojournalist who took pictures of him when he was in his bath a few weeks ago and to kill him.

Athos: I remember hearing about that. This guy thinks that Louis is someone by the name of Leonardo DiCaprio.

D'Artagnan: This paparazzi needs to worry about saving his own skin rather than selling his pictures for money.

Aramis: -cough- I'm the paparazzi.

D'Artagnan: -stunned-

Porthos: I knew there was a reason you only came out after dark…

Athos: So what were you doing with the pictures?

Aramis: I don't think that Louis is Leo DiCaprio. I think that he locked away Leo DiCaprio. It is our duty to save him and with his help, take over the throne.

D'Artagnan: You've all lost your minds!

Athos: I want to help. Even though I have no idea who the guy is.

Porthos: Does it trouble any of you that I'm the only French Musketeer present?

D'Artagnan: You want to replace his Royal Bratiness with some Hollywood kid whose accomplishments include _Titanic_ and _What's Eating Gilbert Grape?_!

Aramis: Who would you rather see rule?

Porthos: How about Brad Pitt?

Athos: -stares dreamily into space- Brad Pitt…

D'Artagnan: I cannot be a part of this. I swore to protect his Royal Bratiness until the end of his reign. He could still learn to have some human compassion… eventually.

Athos: -glares at D'Artagnan- "The world will know that free men stood against a tyrant, that few stood against many and, before this battle is over, that even a god-king can bleed." -leaves-

D'Artagnan: For the love of God, would you stop quoting '300'!!!

Aramis: Listen D'Artagnan, the guys and I all think that there's something you're not telling us. What are you so tight with Louis? Why are you willing to risk your life for him?

D'Artagnan: Well, not because it's my job or anything. -rolls eyes and leaves-

Porthos: That went well.

* * *

_A Room in the King's Palace_

Louis: Pony Boy told me that Athos came to the gate the other day with intentions of circumcising me.

D'Artagnan: -grumbling- I was hoping I could avoid this discussion.

Louis: What exactly does Athos have against Russell the Love Muscle?

D'Artagnan: -gagging- He was sad about his son dying.

Louis: What if I died? Wouldn't he be more sad about that?

D'Artagnan: Somehow I doubt it.

Louis: Btw, all of the other ex-musketeers have vanished. I'm beginning to think that they're trying to kill me.

D'Artagnan: Do I really need to be here for this conversation?

Louis: Find them.

D'Artagnan: Crap.

* * *

_A prison somewhere far away…_

-A boat rows into a dungeon. Inside are a fat Italian priest, Porthos (doing a horrible job of disguising himself), and Athos hunched over pretending to puke his guts out.

First guard: Who are these guys?

Fat Italian Priest: Momma Mia!

Second guard: I don't know any Italian, do you?

FIP: Spegatino Al Pacino!

First guard: It's Al Pacino! I loved you in _Taxi_! Man, you got fat!

FIP: Mambo Italiano!

Second guard: I guess we should take him up to the kid with the metal brace on his face.

-all walk up the stairs, the fat Italian priest nearly falling down them at one point-

FIP: -goes into the cell-

First guard: Don't take too long. -shuts door-

Brace Face: The Undertaker! -kneels-

FIP: -gasps- Holy Mackrel!

Brace Face: I get that a lot.

FIP: -drops a corpse dressed conspicuously like Brace Face onto the floor of the cell and accent changes dramatically- I'm Aramis. Quick, hide under my shirt.

Brace Face: -perks eyebrow (but this goes unnoticed because he's in an iron mask) Okie dokie.

_Later…_

Aramis: Da Fish a bac a lab!

First Guard: Oh no! Something's the matter!

Aramis: -pointing at corpse dressed conspicuously like Brace Face- Siciliano Giovanno…

Second Guard: The brace faced kid is dead!

Aramis: Enchillada vino… -cough- plauge…

First Guard: Plague! Shit! Let's burn the place down!

-guards set fire to their own dungeon-

-Aramis, Porthos, Athos, and Brace Face all escape in a boat-

* * *

_-insert the scenes of Aramis taking a railroad spike and hammer to Brace Face's iron mask in order to chisel it off. It works and out pops the face of none other than Leonardo DiCaprio. After he takes in his horrendous hair, he faints.-_

_Later…_

Leo: It was nice of you to come and rescue me but I need to know some stuff. First of all, why did I get locked in that mask for so long? Secondly, how come my face didn't become all malformed and stuff…?

Porthos: Eeee…

Aramis: You don't remember your past? Your movie career?

Leo: I have vague memories of being on a large ship, an iceberg, a mansion in the Hollywood hills, and most of all, a little Jewish man with big glasses who kept telling me to call him Marty…

Aramis: Do you remember who took you to the prison?

Leo: A man with a camera. He kept taking pictures of me and I never saw his face.

Aramis: -cough- Well, let's change the subject.

Leo: I realized that there was something about my face that they wanted to keep hidden. For days, I shouted "Why!? Has some form of deformity taken over my face?" Only when I was informed by someone that "it [was] not lupus" did I finally stop.

Aramis: Do you remember your name?

Leo: I think someone called me… Jack…

Aramis: No, no, no. Your name is Leonardo. But for continuity reasons, we're going to start calling you Phillippe so as not to confuse the reader.

Phillippe: -confused, just nods and heads in to the other room-

* * *

_Out in the yard somewhere…_

Aramis: What exactly is your problem now?

Porthos: Jerem-, I mean, Aramis, my balony pony is limp.

Aramis: How many times do I have to tell you not to call it that!? Anyway, there are other things to be excited about besides the prospect of sex.

Porthos: Like what? Adventure? Danger? I haven't seen either of those since before this movie…

Aramis: Look. There are two squirrels over in that tree. They are attempting to jump from the branch they are on to another. There is a chance they might miss and hurtle toward their doom. There's your adventure.

Porthos: I can't take this crap anymore.

Aramis: Fine. I've got robins and pigeons to listen to. I can't play your psychiatrist anymore.

Porthos: -trudges off-

* * *

_In the Paparazzi's Dining Room_

Athos: Is he really Leo DiCaprio? He sure as hell doesn't look like him…

Porthos: Damn the kidney stones. I guess I've got a reason to kill myself now.

Phillippe: -enters the room through a shorter than average door-

Athos: -stunned- I take it back.

Aramis: I told you guys.

Phillippe: Oookay. Is anyone going to tell me why you saved me?

Aramis: That'll be my job. Four score and twenty-seven years ago, the Queen was giving birth to King Louis.

Athos: I didn't know you were going to tell him a horror story.

Aramis: -ignores- We were all eating and D'Artagnan, our friend who's fighting on the wrong side, was wasted. I, however, was on duty and therefore, couldn't take pleasure in the 1522 Pinot Noir wine.

Athos: It was to die for.

Aramis: Anyway, I was asked to come to the Queen's bedchamber.

Porthos: This story might improve my libido after all.

Aramis: -ignores- The Queen had given birth to two sons.

Phillippe: Is there a point to this story?

Aramis: You're one of the kids.

Phillippe: Oh.

Aramis: The king instead of splitting the kingdom equally between the two sons, let Louis take the glory and royalty. The king decided to keep your past from you and sent you to Hollywood to become an actor. However, your career turned you into a star with a recognizable face. Louis couldn't have someone with the same face as him reaching international media outlets and causing a controversy.

Porthos: There are two Leo DiCaprios!!! Nevermind, I'm going to kill myself.

Aramis: -ignores- Therefore, he had you placed in an iron mask. Because I was the King's royal paparazzi at the time, I was the one who blinded you by taking pictures of you and distracted you as they put you into the iron mask.

Phillippe: Ooookay…

Aramis: One day, I will ask for your forgiveness.

Athos: Good luck with that.

Aramis: But first, we are going to try and return you to your royal birthright. We are going to replace King Bratiness with Phillippe.

Athos and Porthos: Quoi?

Phillippe: Umm…

Aramis: Well… It sounded like a good idea to me…

Athos: I thought there was going to be blood in the streets! Mangled body parts! Circumcision!

Porthos: I'm not for that last bit, but I, too, would like some violence in this movie.

Aramis: We're not going to hack and slash a bunch of people. This is the most non-violent way to achieve our goal of peace for all in France. You agree with me, don't you Phillippe?

Phillippe: -randomly spazzes out and hides in a corner- How come this door doesn't open?

Athos: Awww, my son used to have the same kind of tantrums.

* * *

_The King's Office_

Random Advisor: UPS came for you. -leaves-

Louis: -shakes the box- It can't be my Xbox 360. I just ordered that yesterday. -opens box- How nice, it's a charred iron mask that smells of burnt hair and sweat. I think I'll try it on.

* * *

_The Queen_

((Technically it's not a place but she runs around a bit so we need to follow her))

The Queen: -reads letter- No! -runs to the chapel- Leonardo DiCaprio is dead! No!

D'Artagnan: -appears out of nowhere- What's wrong?

The Queen: -sniffle- D'Artagnan! -kisses-

D'Artagnan: -eyes bulge- Prima Ballerina, I am but a mere stage hand to your beauty. You shouldn't waste your kisses on me.

The Queen: Not this humble crap again. Just kiss me.

D'Artagnan: Okay.

-More snogging commences-

The Queen: I feel better. -leaves-

D'Artagnan: Btw, I love you and stuff.

The Queen: How romantic.

* * *

_Back at the Paparazzi's pad_

Aramis: I'm off duty. Where is my liquor!?

Athos: Listen, not to make fun of your ingenious plan, but it's a bit of a crap shoot. What if Phillippe can't pretend to be Louis?

Aramis: What do you mean? He's an actor! He'll do fine. Bring me my liquor!!! Besides, we've only got a couple of weeks before the bit masquerade ball and we need to utilize all the time we have.

Athos: What?

Aramis: The king's throwing a party. People are going to be wearing masks and elaborate over-the-top costumes. We can sneak in and switch the two easily.

Athos: But…but…

Aramis: WHERE IS MY LIQUOR!!!???

* * *

_Meanwhile, out in the barn…_

Porthos: Damn it. There's nothing I can do to raise my flag. -leaves three stupid chicks buried in the hay and walks toward the barn-

* * *

_Inside_

Athos: -looks out the window and gags- Ugh, Porthos doesn't have any clothes on!

Aramis: I'm not surprised. He kept saying he was going to kill himself in the nude.

Athos: Shit! I've got to see this! -runs outside-

* * *

_In the barn_

Porthos: -picks up a limp rope- Why is everything drooping!!!!??? -uses said rope to make a noose, ties it around his neck, and jumps-

Beam rope is tied to: SNAP!!

Porthos: -falls to the first floor of the barn and miraculously doesn't injure himself-

* * *

_Outside the barn_

Athos: WTF?

Aramis: It's okay. I sawed all the beams in the barn, just in case he decided to use any of them.

Barn: COLLAPES!

Aramis: FRIG!

Athos and Aramis: -run to the remains of the barn and are subsequently attacked by…

Porthos: -naked- I will kill you!

Athos: He's waving his little wang around and scaring the shit out of me!

Aramis: Your tireless ranting about sex has made me do this to you! If you actually want to have a point in this film, please do something other than complain and moan! You are the soul character meant for comedic relief in this movie! Be funnier! Now put some clothes on, you imbicile!

Porthos: Well, okay. -wanders off-

Athos: -picks up a piece of wood for no reason what so ever and subsequently drops it. Looks up at one of the windows of the house-

Phillippe: -standing in the window wearing the mask. THE SAME MASK THAT HE HAD TO BE CHISLED OUT OF.-

* * *

_At a bridge over troubled waters… (yeah, yeah)_

Phillippe: -fondling the mask- It was my only friend for six years.

Athos: My only friend was my 1955 Pinot Noir. Then came D'Artagnan. He was great. -sighs- Now he's an ass...

Phillippe: You're all asking me to leave my only friend behind and go to that palace. That big scary palace.

Porthos: Do you hear what you're saying? It's a PALACE!

Phillippe: -randomly turns and takes note of farm girls- You see those girls over there. See that one holding the lamb.

Aramis: Yeah…

Porthos: She looks like Cameron Diaz.

Phillippe: Well, I'd rather be over there with Cameron Diaz than in that castle, surrounded by a bunch of stuffy advisors, and with mounds of responsibility on my shoulders.

Aramis: You get to be king…

Phillippe: King Bratiness…

Aramis: -shrugs- Only D'Artagnan really calls him that.

Phillippe: But he calls him that for a reason. Until you tell me what's in this for me, I'm not going to move from this very spot.

Porthos: Can I push him in the creek?

Aramis: No! -turns to Phillippe- Basically, we're all tools, okay?

Porthos: And as a king, you could have as many tools as you wish!

Athos: -shaking his head- How about a thousand francs?

Phillippe: And Cameron Diaz?

Aramis: Yup.

Phillippe: Deal.

_Here comes a montage of scenes depicting the three Musketeers attempting to teach Phillippe what he needs to know to be king. The most entertaining of these scenes is Porthos stepping in dog crap, Phillippe laughing at a ridiculous looking shoe, and Athos and Phillippe dancing together. Aww…_

_

* * *

  
_

_Christine's Suite in the King's Castle_

Random Advisor: A letter just came for you.

Umbra: THE LETTER JUST ARRIVED!!!! What, did it get sent to Mozambique by accident or something?

Christine: -opens letter-

Raoul: -dead but speaking through the paper- Christine, because I knew that you were going to cheat on me, I purposefully uttered a phrase from the film '300' and brought death on myself from the Dutch. Btw, none of this is your fault or anything. I just gave up my life for you is all. See you when your dead… whenever that might be. Raoul.

Christine: -breaks pearl necklace in frustration-

* * *

_In Louis Bedchamber_

Louis: Say kitten, you don't seem to be giving me all the loving I deserve.

Christine: - rolls over-

Louis: I get it. You're PMSing, right?

Christine: I got a letter from my bf…

Louis: Eeee… I thought he was dead…

Christine: He sent it before he died.

Louis: Oh, that letter. -muttering to himself- I thought I sent that to Paraguay…

Christine: He knew that I was going to cheat on him and he forgave me.

Louis: Doesn't sound like he had too much faith in you…

Christine: He knew me. And I love that he knew me…

Louis: -grumbling-

Christine: I've sinned against love and God, for the sake of your mercy, which you would not have given without my sin.

Louis: Wait, what?

Christine: I don't get it either.

Louis: Whatev. -leaves-

* * *

_Back at the Paparazzi's pad_

Aramis: We're leaving.

Athos: WTF?

Aramis: I'm leaving the dirty work to you.

Athos: -laughs maniacally and pulls out his circumcising tools-

Aramis: Not _that _dirty work.

Athos: Damn. What do you have to do that's so important?

Aramis: The rioters are going to attack Louis when they find out that he has a new ball going on. I have to prevent them from doing it.

* * *

_Aramis and Porthos take a carraige to Paris where they do everything _but_ keep the rioters from attacking the palace._

_At the local brothel_

Porthos: -slams door open- Barmaids and wenches, I need you to finish sewing my dresses.

Other guys in the brothel: What?

Porthos: -clears throat- My clothes. Sew my clothes.

-a bar fight erupts with no basis what-so-ever. Porthos, though he's outnumbered, is successful in chasing the other men out of the bar-

Random barmaid: Porthos, I finished your dress yesterday.

Porthos: Oh. -scratches head- Guess we have time for a shag then.

* * *

_Back at the Paparazzi's pad_

Phillippe: -picks up a goblet-

Athos: No, you baffoon. With two fingers.

Phillippe: -tries again but drops the glass. He begins to cry.-

Athos: Stop. Seriously, it's okay. We've got more. And don't apologize. Nothing is the king's fault.

Phillippe: Do you say that because your son is dead?

Entire audience: -does a double take- What?

Athos: -frowns-

Phillippe: Yeah, sorry. That was out of left field.

Athos: Stop APOLOGIZING!!! -starts bawling- Why did I get stuck with this???

* * *

_Cue a completely useless scene where Aramis and the Queen meet in a church chapel and he hints to his plan to switch the king with Leo DiCaprio._

_

* * *

  
_

Athos: This is what we call a dollhouse. We're going to pretend that these are your rooms. The furniture is mostly Heppelwhite and Chippendale, the curtains are silk, the rug is…

Phillippe: Can we move on?

Athos: -clears throat- These are your mother's rooms.

Phillippe: -gasps- The idea completely eluded me that I might have a mother…

-Ruckus outside attracts the attention of the pair-

Aramis: -is perched in the doorway of the still moving carraige looking like a footman out of Cinderella- WE NEED TO LEAVE NOW!!!

-They all get in the carraige and start their short trip to London to get to the masquerade ball.-

* * *

One more segment to go…


	3. Part III

Disclaimer: As before, The Vicomte de Bragelonne and D'Artagnan Romances are copyrighted to Alexandre Dumas. The screenplay of _The Man in the Iron Mask_ is copyrighted to Randall Wallace and the movie is copyrighted to United Artists. Other comments are copyrighted to the following:

_Inspector Gadget_ creators Andy Heyward, Jean Chalopin, and Bruno Bianchi

_Shrek 2_ screenwriters Andrew Adamson, Joe Stillman, J. David Stem, David N. Weiss, Andrew Adamson, and William Steig

_Spider-Man_ is copyrighted to Marvel Comics

_Team America World Police_ screenwriters Trey Parker, Matt Stone, and Pam Brady

_Titanic_ screenwriter James Cameron

_Oreo _belongs to Nabisco division of Kraft Foods

_The Fantastic Four_ to Marvel Comics

and

The Lord of the Rings author J. R. R. Tolkien

* * *

The Finale!!!

* * *

_The Masquerade Ball_

-Brightly colored people, covered in masks, dance about the ballroom, many of whom are later revealed to be Louis's own staff…? Cut to a couple dancing terribly amongst the others. They dart off into a corner near where D'Artagnan is keeping guard. They remove their masks and…

Aramis: By God, Porthos, you're female disguise is brilliant.

Porthos: I don't understand why I had to be the chick.

-put iron masks under their masquerade masks and start dancing again-

-across the hall, we focus on two other people standing in the crowd-

Athos: Relax, damn it! Relax!

Phillippe: Dude, I'm fine. You're the one that was freaking out over the interior decoration.

Athos: They obviously didn't apply Feng Shui to that first room! The disarray…

Phillippe: Pull yourself together!

_Meanwhile…_

Louis: -gets up and starts getting jiggy with the random chick that he was having sex with back in part I.-

Porthos: -takes off mask- Ooggilly boogilly! Oops I forgot to use the iron mask. -puts it on-

Louis: AHHH!!

Random Chick: What's up?

Louis: I thought I saw Tycho Brahe! But he was wearing a dress!

Random Chick: Whatever. -continues dancing-

Athos: -flashes iron mask- Blahhhh!

Louis: AHHHH!!! The masks are everywhere!

Random Chick: Um… yeah. Did you forget this was a masquerade?

-more flashing masks-

Louis: Ineedtovomit… -runs out of the ballroom-

D'Artagnan: Your bratiness!

Louis: -locks him out of his room and collapses on the bed-

* * *

_In the hall…_

Aramis: Quick! To the super secret passage behind the wall!

Porthos: I CAN'T FIND IT!!!

Aramis: _This _wall, you blockhead.

-they travel through the hall and enter through a door that is actually the bureau, without making a noise, even though all the other times that door has opened, it has creaked LOUDLY.

Louis: -glances up- Wha?

Aramis: Go-go gadget, fist! -punches Louis in the face and knocks him out-

_Time passes…_

Athos: Teehee… Teehee…

Louis: -opens eyes and checks out his clothes- Ugh! I look like a ragamuffin!

Athos: Well, now you match the chaotic energy flow of your front hallway, Phillippe.

Louis: Wait, wait, wait! -points to Phillippe- That's Phillippe. I'm Louis.

Athos: No. He's Louis and you're Phillippe.

Louis: Wha?

Phillippe: Umm… I'm Leo.

Aramis: Shut up, all of you.

Porthos: -gags Louis- I'm so confused I don't even care anymore.

Aramis: D'Artagnan is still pacing in the hallway like a dolt. We have to go back through the super secret passage way. -they all go through the passage way and come to the hallway-

Aramis and Porthos: -drag Louis in his Phillippe costume down the open hallway toward their escape-

Phillippe: -hugs Athos- Thanks, mom. -flees to the masquerade party-

* * *

_At the masquerade_

Phillippe: -holds the mask in front of his face, shaking- Can we forget that I just flipped out?

Entire party: Okay. -bows as he heads up to the throne-

Phillippe: -sits-

Entire party: -starts dancing again-

Random Fat Chick: -trips over the podium and falls in front of Phillippe, accidentally touching his foot-

Phillippe: AHHHH!!! The Kraken's got me! -jumps up and moves her hand-

Entire party: -stares, open jawed-

Phillippe: Uhhhh…

Random Advisor: The Queen Mother!

Queen: -enters, looking like she just missed her favorite episode of "Days of Our Lives". Walks up to where Phillippe is sitting.-

Phillippe: Wow, I'm so glad I didn't inherit my mom's neck…

Queen: -sits down-

Entire party: -starts dancing again-

Queen: -waits for literally 3 minutes- Okay I'm bored now. Wait two dances. Not three. Two. Then go back to your room. -leaves-

Phillippe: Umm… sure. Night, ma.

D'Artagnan: -decides to come back to the ballroom and passes the Queen- Muffin cake… I mean… Prima Ballerina…

Queen: We'll talk later, my knight in shining armor.

D'Artagnan: -stunned- She's never called me that before. -squints- Something's up. -walks into the ballroom- Pony boy, how long has his Bratiness been back?

Pony Boy: He came back almost right after he left. And he's been decidedly… less bratty.

Christine: SONOFABITCH!!!!

Entire party: -turns-

Phillippe: Who are you!?

Christine: I wrote to the guys at the front and asked why Raoul recited a line from '300' to the Dutch when he actually despised the movie in real life and would never have said anything to do with it. The guys at the front wrote back that you ordered him to say it and that if he didn't, he would tell every one about a certain Musketeer father of his who was really his MOTHER.

Entire party: -puzzled- Quoi?

D'Artagnan: I knew Athos was a woman in disguise!

Christine: YOU KILLED MY BF!

Phillippe: -moves toward her and puts his hands around her comfortingly- Listen, I didn't kill anybody. I'm not even the real king… -swallows tongue-

Entire party: Le Gasp!

Phillippe: -cough- Take her to her room. Please.

Christine: -who has suddenly become limp as a rag doll is escorted to her room by the random fat chick-

D'Artagnan: -to Pony Boy- My spidey-sense is tingling. The other musketeers are near. Tell the guards to… guard the passageways… like they should be… -walks over to Phillippe- So, Faux-King, we've got a situation. We might have a possible code 30 and code 27. I'll have to ask you to come with me.

Phillippe: Is this about my unpaid parking tickets?

* * *

_Down in the basement near the moat…_

-Aramis, Porthos, and Athos are dragging Louis along toward their escape vessel… a raft. Why they use a raft when it would be better to just walk out the front door… I don't know. But they decide to use a raft.-

Random Guard #1: -comes running out of nowhere-

Porthos: -hits him and manages to knock him out- SHIT! They're coming for us!

-cue the badly choreographed fight scene-

Athos: -fixes his hair and then whips out his sword and starts fighting. At some point, he decides that it is easier to knee people and starts doing this instead.-

Aramis: -attempts to engage his enemies in a theological discussion before he fights them-

Porthos: -runs and jumps about injuring himself fanatically-

All Enemy Guards: -dead-

Aramis: Jump in the raft!!

-They all get in the raft and start rowing against the currant to get to the river-

Pony Boy: Drop the gate!

Gate: -drops-

Aramis: Frig.

Guards who all randomly assembled out of nowhere: -surround the raft-

D'Artagnan: -shaking his head- I thought I told you guys not to play in the moat…

Phillippe: Oh mother…

Athos: It's okay, sweetie. Mommie's here…

D'Artagnan: Eeee… Listen, I know that you replaced His royal Bratiness with Leo. I can tell the difference. Leo has a thing for all his female co-stars. It was his kindness to Christine that gave him away…

Pony Boy: Not to mention the fact that he said he wasn't the real king…

Aramis: You twat.

Phillippe: -whining- This crazy woman was shouting at me!! What else was I supposed to do?

Athos: -puts a knife to Louis's ß- Let us go or I'll chop off the beef bayonet!

Louis: NO! Not Russell!

D'Artagnan: -gags- I'll let you go if you promise to stop the penis jokes!

Athos: Done. -looks at the guards- Open the gate.

Gate: -starts to open-

D'Artagnan: On second thought… -aims his sword at Phillippe's ß- You take my king, and I shall take yours.

-a rather confusing action scene takes place. Athos shoves Louis back up to D'Artagnan instead of, like, throwing him in the river. Porthos and Aramis use the paddles as melee weapons and start beating the guards holding onto the raft. The currant has changed directions now and is pulling the raft toward the river.-

Pony Boy: -seizes Phillippe- Gotcha!

Phillippe: MOMMA!! MOMMA!!

Athos: MY BABY!! MY BABY!!

-The three musketeers float away on the river, leaving Phillippe in the hands of Pony Boy-

* * *

_In Louis's Office_

Louis: -staring at Phillippe like he's some kind of insect- I was told that Leonardo DiCaprio had succumb to the plague. I even have his mask to prove it.

D'Artagnan: -stunned- You knew that DiCaprio was your doppleganger?

Louis: It's worse than that. He's my brother.

D'Artagnan: -gasps- Wait, was I really that thick headed that I didn't see that coming…?

Queen: -breaks into the room and runs to Phillippe- My darling!

Louis: Dude! You already have Athos to be your mother! You have to go and steal mine? -turns to the Queen and shoves her- How could you have let them do this to me? Dress me up like Oliver Twist and knock me out!?

Queen: It was for your own good…

Phillippe: And I didn't even know that I had a mother until earlier today…

Louis: -punches him-

D'Artagnan: Your Bratiness, please, do not kill Leonardo DiCaprio!

Louis: What is with all of you people? This is France! Hollywood and its denizens of actors don't have a place in this country!

D'Artagnan: Actually, if you kill Leonardo DiCaprio, you'll have to answer to not only Martin Scorsese, Jack Nicholson, and Kate Winslet…

Louis: -mumbling- Kate Winslet wouldn't be so bad…

D'Artagnan: -ignores- You'd have to answer to Alec Baldwin.

Louis: -freezes and looks about the room as if the actor might appear-

Phillippe: Let me say something. I want you to kill me. But whatever you do, don't do what I'm about to tell you. It would completely break my mind and force me into deep levels of angst and depression. Don't put me back in that iron mask, even though it and I were bf's for six years.

Louis: -grinning- Fine. -turns to D'Artagnan- But I'm ordering you to find your three friends and bring me their cocks or I will have yours! -turns to Phillippe- And just because I'm pure evil mashed into this gorgeous body, I'm going to put you back in the mask.

Phillippe: Walked into that one, didn't I?

D'Artagnan: You are a moron, aren't you?

* * *

_Outside the King's Office_

D'Artagnan: Yeah, so about not telling me that I had twins…?

Queen: You had so much stuff going on at the time, all of those taxes to file, the wood to chop, that list of men to hunt down and kill…

D'Artagnan: -switches the subject so fast that it gives the audience whiplash- I've only loved you, forever and always.

Queen: Sounds good to me.

-near kiss is interrupted by a strange goose call-

D'Artagnan: Oh great. What now? -runs off to…-

* * *

_The King's Bedchamber_

Louis: -points to his bureau-

D'Artagnan: Quoi?

Louis: Christine's room…

D'Artagnan: Right -heads up the stairs to her room-

-Let's skip the scene seeing as how there really isn't anyway to make it funny. In short, Christine kills herself and Louis doesn't care-

* * *

_The Bastille_

Phillippe: -dragged down to the lowest level of the dungeon- I know what's coming, You know what's coming, I know you know what's coming, so… let's just skip this scene…

-He's put in the iron mask-

* * *

_The King's Office_

Pony Boy: I have the keys to the mask for you.

Louis: -cackles evilly-

Pony Boy: And also the keys to a new BMW Roadster!

Louis: -ignores- Listen, Rod Roddy, I need you to watch D'Artagnan when he gets back. I can't trust him anymore, ever since he threatened me with Alec Baldwin. He will lead us to the other musketeers.

Pony Boy: Excellent plan sir.

Louis: Yup. I know.

* * *

_Random House in the City_

Guard: I'm not going to bother looking under this sheet even though I can see what looks like the outlines of three crouching guys underneath it. Let's check over there! -runs away-

-Aramis, Athos, and Porthos all run into a random house and hide inside-

Aramis: Check it out! A letter for us! -points to a letter stabbed into a door with a sword- (that's not weird or anything)

Porthos: How did he know we would be here?

D'Artagnan: -talking through the paper- I thought you guys should know that Leo is being held in the Bastille. I'm going to get the guards going on a poker game in the other room and that should give you some time to help him escape. All for one, one for all.

Athos: It's a trap but we have no choice.

Porthos: Um… we have plenty of other choices…

Athos: Too bad. I've already decided for us.

Aramis: Guess what I found in my closet the other day? -pulls out the old black uniforms- We can wear these to die in.

Athos: -holds his up to the light- I've got holes in mine. I think a moth got to it…

Porthos: -holds his up- I think I've outgrown this…

Aramis: -ignores- Mine fits perfectly.

* * *

_Outside the Queen's Bedroom_

D'Artagnan: -rides up on a white horse and sits outside her room with a rose at his lips, just waiting for her to look-

Queen: Hmm... I think I'll jump in the shower. -gets in the shower-

D'Artagnan: -still waiting outside-

_An Hour Goes By_

Queen: I guess I'll look outside. Oh, it's D'Artagnan! I wonder how long he's been waiting?

D'Artagnan: -now sporting a cold, sniffs the flower, puts it on a rock, and gallops away-

Queen: What the heck was that all about?

* * *

_The Bastille_

-Aramis, Athos, and Porthos go up to the door with Athos in disguise as a prisoner.-

Porthos: Open the doors. We have a prisoner. -hands over falsified documents-

Guard: -glances at the wanted pictures for the Three Musketeers next to his coffee cup- There's only two of them and a prisoner. It can't be them. -reads papers- Hmm… Terry Bradshaw. I don't recognize the name but we'll take him anyway. -opens door-

* * *

_Insert a scene of Louis and all of his forces leaving the palace on horseback and one guy walking up the stairs for no reason what so ever. If you go back and watch other scenes you will see that there is always ONE person walking up the stairs while everyone else heads the other way…_

_

* * *

  
_

-The musketeers head down to save Phillippe. Upon getting there, they find themselves confronted by none other than Cardinal Richelieu-

Richelieu: Ha! I have the key you need!

Athos: -frowning- How'd you get it?

Richelieu: Umm… I'm not telling.

Athos: O… Okay.

Richelieu: Btw… your friend has been lying in the corner over there for the last few hours. He keeps saying "I'm the King of the World" over and over. Then he starts talking about someone named Rose and…

Phillippe: -sneaks up behind him and slams his manacles into the back of Richelieu's head- Hey, you guys came for me!

Athos: We thought you'd gone crackers. -his words don't match his lips-

Phillippe: I wear the mask, it does not wear me.

Porthos: That would be quite an accomplishment if it did. But I could see why it would want to wear a Leonardo DiCaprio mask though…

Aramis: Shut up.

-They head back up toward the way they entered in from, meeting almost no opposition what-so-ever. This is because it is Bastille Day and most of the employees have the day off.-

Athos: Quick hide! Someone's coming!

-They all hide-

D'Artagnan: -saunters down the passage-

-Everyone point their swords at him-

D'Artagnan: Guys, the courtyard is blocked. Besides, you really thought you could take him out the way that you got in?

Athos: -growlroarsnarl- He's lying. -aims his sword low-

D'Artagnan: Seriously, what is it with you and this circumcision obsession?

Porthos: D'Artagnan's right. There's too many guards back that way.

D'Artangan: Quick, to the only other exit that still seems to be a secret… aka the back door.

-They all run to the backdoor. Meanwhile, Louis and his army have ridden to the back door in order to prevent them from escaping-

Aramis: Louis will surely know that you helped us because we took the back door.

D'Artagnan: Umm… yeah. It's the only other door out of the place… but sure whatever.

-start heading out the door-

Louis: There they are!! Fire!!!

-They all run back inside and shut the door. Bullets fail to go through the wood… somehow-

Porthos: Quick back the other way!

D'Artagnan: Um…

-everyone else runs back the other way. Soldiers run toward them from that direction.-

Athos: -slams a door shut in front of them and pulls a beam across it- We're trapped!

Aramis: We gathered as much.

-Louis's soldiers break down the doors and flood into the wider than average hallway that serves absolutely no purpose other than to have a large fight for the climax of the movie-

-Musketeers line up at the end of the hall and produce their PISTOLS…-

Porthos: Wait, since when have we had guns?

Athos: Mine's not just any gun, it's a muskatoon, circa 1532…

Aramis: Shut up. -turns to Porthos- They only fire one shot and then it takes an hour to reload the damned thing. -turns to the audience- That's why we didn't use them before!

D'Artagnan: Spare their lives if you can!

-All the musketeer's aim low-

Athos: -cackles evilly-

Louis: Get 'em!

-Louis's men charge the musketeers. Four quick shots and two bad guys fall down. Two. Then they all draw their swords and the fight ensues-

Athos: -forgetting about sparing their lives, starts hacking and slashing everyone he can-

Pony Boy: -decides to get in on the action and jumps in to fight. Subsequently gets his sword knocked away by Athos-

Athos: -swings his sword to lop off Pony Boy's bits-

D'Artagnan: -grabs Athos- NO!!! Pony Boy is what we call a "tripod". He's like an endangered species.

Athos: Really!?

Louis: -decides to shoot at Phillippe, who's just standing there doing nothing like an idiot-

Athos: Oops, Phillippe needs saving! -spares Pony Boy and runs off to protect Phillippe-

-At some point, the Musketeers decide that they had better run away, even though they're kicking ass. They run back around the corner and hide there-

Louis: D'Artagnan!

D'Artagnan: -muttering- For cripes sake…

Louis: Come back to the dark side and I'll bequeath to you a delicious helping of Oreo cookies!

Porthos: OREOS!

Aramis: -slaps Porthos-

Louis: I'll also provide you with two cows and your own special edition DVD of this film, if you surrender NOW!!

D'Artagnan: -considers the offer-

Aramis: You might as well take it.

Porthos: Two cows, some Oreos, and a DVD are better than nothing.

D'Artagnan: No. I can do without the extra helping of cocoa and milk fat. But I cannot turn my back on my son.

Porthos: -confused- Okay, which one of us is your son?

D'Artagnan: Phillippe, you buffoon.

Phillippe: Le gasp…

D'Artagnan: So basically, your mother and I met while I was a young musketeer. I was on a mission to search her bedchamber for possible assassins. She came in and one thing led to another and…

Phillippe: Okay, I see where this is going…

D'Artagnan: I never knew that I had two sons. Having just learned that you, Leonardo DiCaprio, are my son, stuns me. Your Oscar nominations make me proud.

Phillippe: Aw… thanks Dad.

Athos: I'm still your mother though, right?

Phillippe: Of course!

Athos: -glances at D'Artagnan- Don't we have a lovely son?

D'Artagnan: Eeeee… I'm not sure I'm comfortable with this…

Porthos: So, you realize that your turning your back on your _other _son so that you won't turn your back on this son?

D'Artagnan: -ignores-

Aramis: I just got a great idea. Because D'Artagnan's musketeers have listened to the legends of the original musketeers, I think we should charge them.

D'Artagnan: Um… It's not like I've been telling them that you guys had x-ray vision and could "leap the tallest building", or soar "faster than a speeding bullet"…

Porthos: I think it's an excellent idea!

Athos: Let's put our swords into it!

-Everyone thrusts their swords into agreement-

D'Artagnan: Okaysurefine. -puts his sword in too-

Aramis: Readysetgo!

-They all run around the corner, with the swords raised above their heads and shouting at the top of their lungs in slow-mo-

-Louis's guards are poised with their muskets ready to fire-

Louis: Okay. Shoot 'em.

Musketeer's: RAAAAHHHH!!!!

Pony Boy: Magnificent Valor.

Musketeer's: RAAAAHHHH!!!!

Louis: What?! What's so magnificent about a bunch of sweaty guys shouting like they're at a football game?! Shoot them!

Musketeer's: RAAAAHHHH!!!! -they're practically standing in front of the guns now-

Louis: -grabs a random soldier- FIRE!!!

Random Soldier: -fires his gun and hits Porthos straight in the kidney, taking care of his kidney stone-

Other Soldiers: -all start firing. They all close their eyes right before they pull the trigger though. This causes them to hit the floor, the ceiling, and D'Artagnan's cape but absolutely none of the Musketeers…-

-The gunshots fill the air with gun smoke which prevents the bad guys from seeing if they've killed anyone-

Louis: Phfffa!! -waving his hand- I can't wait until they invent the semi-automatic…

-As the smoke clears, the limping forms of five people step out of the fog-

Athos: I'm good! -turns to Aramis- You good?

Aramis: I think a bullet shattered my kneecap but other than that I'm okay! -turns to Porthos- How are you?

Porthos: I can pee without pain!!!

Aramis: -squints an eye- That's… great. What about you, D'Artagnan?

D'Artagnan: My cape is holey.

Aramis: No, only God and Heaven are holy, D'Artagnan.

D'Artagnan: That's not what I meant.

Aramis: -ignores- Phillippe?

Phillippe: I didn't die! Woot! Woot!

Louis: -growls-

-Bad guys immediately drop their weapons-

Pony Boy: -pushes out in front of everyone- How the hell did you guys do that?

D'Artagnan: As it turns out, Athos is actually Sue Storm. He made a force field for us to hide behind. All the bullets deflected off of it.

Athos: I couldn't let my poor son get hurt. It was motherly love that saved us.

D'Artagnan and Pony Boy: Eeee…

Louis: -pushes out front as well and stares evilly at them-

Phillippe: -stares, mouth gaping and drooling at Louis-

D'Artagnan: -looks on the floor in front of Phillippe- Hey, a silver dollar!

Louis: -whips out his dagger and tries to kill Phillippe-

D'Artagnan: -leans in to grab the silver dollar at the same moment that Louis strikes with his dagger. He stabs D'Artagnan-

D'Artagnan: -drops-

Phillippe: -tackles Louis- YOUKILLEDDADDY!!!

D'Artagnan: -still alive and lying in the arms of Porthos- Leo… Don't kill your brother… think of what the tabloids will say…

Pony Boy: Brother! -turns to the other soldiers- Get outside!

Other Soldiers: We don't want to hear anymore anyway. -leave-

D'Artagnan: All my life… this is the-

Phillippe: WAIT!!! I NEED TO GET THIS MASK OFF OF ME!!!

D'Artagnan: Um… Okay. But I can't really wait much longer…

Aramis: -yanks key away from Louis and unlocks Phillippe's face-

D'Artagnan: Are we good now?

Phillippe: -thumbs up-

D'Artagnan: All my life… this is the-

Athos: Forgive me.

D'Artagnan: -stares- Suuuurrrrreeee…

Athos: I never wanted to circumcise you…

D'Artagnan: That's refreshing to know. -pauses- Can I finish?

Athos: Of course, darling.

D'Artagnan: Eeee… All my life… this is the-

Aramis: Dómine sancte, Pater omnipotens, aetérne Deus, te fidéliter deprecámur…

D'Artagnan: COULD YOU STOP?! I'VE GOT IMPORTANT STUFF TO SAY!!!

Aramis: -prayer peters out-

D'Artagnan: Thanks. -clears throat- All my life… this is the death I have always wanted. All for one, one fo… fooo… -drops head suddenly and dies-

Phillippe: -drops head, crying- He didn't even get to finish. -glances at Aramis-

Aramis: It was the Last Rites, for God's sake!

Phillippe: -glances back at D'Artagnan- You were the one in the mask…

Aramis, Porthos, and Athos: Umm…

Louis: -starts getting up-

Pony Boy: -aims his sword at Louis- You killed my role model.

Louis: Shit.

* * *

_Round the corner in the same hall_

-The other group of bad guys finally break through the other door and rush into the hall. Mind you they've been trying to break it open this ENTIRE time and have been unsuccessful…-

-The Musketeer gang minus D'Artagnan round the corner. Pony Boy and Athos are holding Louis in his Phillippe costume, Aramis and Porthos are bringing up the rear, and Phillippe is dressed in his Louis costume-

Pony Boy: We have recaptured the prisoner!

-Before Louis even has a chance to say anything, Athos turns around and knees him in the groin-

Louis: -drops-

Other guards: -stare at one another-

Head guard who looks like Beethoven: Um… I think we missed something.

Phillippe: Take this prisoner to a cell somewhere within this prison and lock him up. Have a blind, deaf, and dumb person feed him. -whispers- But make sure he gets his Lucky Charms, or else he'll get cranky.

Other guards: -stand there and do nothing-

Pony Boy: -takes Louis off who has begun jabbering incoherently-

Head guard who looks like Beethoven: And ZZZZZZZZZEM? -because apparently, he's not French, he's German…-

Phillippe: That's my royal paparazzi, my mom, and my royal gigolo and they are my truest friends.

Guards: -glance at each other strangely- Um…

Head guard who looks like Beethoven: Good enough for me. -waves and exits with the other guards-

-Aramis, Porthos, and Athos all kneel before Phillippe. Aramis snaps his other kneecap as he gets to the ground.-

* * *

_The Funeral_

-Zoom in on a grave stone that says _D'Artagnan_. Below the name is a carved impression of an ugly mask, coincidentally the same damn iron mask that once held Leo DiCaprio's face. Light flute music plays in the background.-

Porthos: -glances around them- Did we suddenly get transported to the Shire?

Everyone: -ignores-

Aramis: -finishes giving the Last Rites, finally- Amen.

Athos: He was the greatest one of us all.

Porthos: -snorts- You're just saying that because he's dead!

Aramis: -whispers- Shut up.

Porthos: Aaaand, because you've had a huge man crush on him since--

Aramis: -smacks Porthos-

-Ex-musketeers start walking away-

Phillippe: Wait, Athos, I have one more favor to ask of you.

Athos: Of course, darling.

Phillippe: Well, that's just the thing. See, now that I'm back with my biological mother, I kind of have that position filled.

Athos: -eyes bug- Oh…

Phillippe: But, since I don't have a dad anymore, I wondered… maybe…

Athos: -grabs Phillippe and hugs him- I would LOVE to be your dad!

Porthos: That might be asking a bit, considering…

Aramis: -slaps Porthos-

-Musketeers leave and head toward an inconspicuous line of guys on horses-

Aramis: So, I know it was Phillippe's idea to put the mask on the grave stone, but did anyone else think that it was a little… awkward?

Porthos: Why not put something that D'Artagnan loved like… his sword?

Aramis: Or a picture of the Queen?

Athos: Or a picture of the 1522 Pinot Noir?

Aramis: Yeeeaaaahhh…

Pony Boy: -sitting on a horse- Musketeers, salute!

Musketeers: -all the newbie Musketeers suddenly salute their flags. One smacks Athos in the face-

Aramis: -puts on his hat- Personally, I would have ended the movie a little differently.

Porthos: I can see myself in bed with two wonderful ladies…

Athos: D'Artagnan and I would be redesigning the foyer and then would take tea…

Aramis: -glances at the two of them- Scratch that. I think this ending is fine.

-camera back pans over the grounds of the castle-

Aramis: -monologuing again- The man in the iron mask was never heard from again. There were rumors that he received a royal pardon and lived in the countryside quietly. But in actuality, it's because the blind, deaf, and dumb guy who was feeding him gave him a helping of rotten food from the docks and he died of food poisoning. Phillippe, now acting as Louis, righted all the wrongs of his predecessor and went on to rule France peacefully whilst also maintaining stardom in his budding film career.-

Fin!


End file.
